


Meaningless

by edeniveska



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Oral Sex, Orgasm Denial, Pining, Shameless Smut, tsukkiyama - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-06 16:34:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4229004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edeniveska/pseuds/edeniveska
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi is pretty much sure Tsukki couldn't care less about him, and maybe he's right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meaningless

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why but i had a strong urge to write really sad one sided tsukkiyama smut and now i hate myself.

(You should listen to these songs whilst reading: [X](https://soundcloud.com/3lau/3lau-how-you-love-me-feat),[X](https://soundcloud.com/anticon/baths-miasma-sky-1),[X](https://soundcloud.com/petitbiscuit/night-trouble),[X](https://soundcloud.com/iohyouparty/montgomery-pinata-japanese-wallpaper-remix),)

 

The rainfall outside is incessant and heavy, his eyes subconsciously observing the way the droplets of water patterned against the thin glass panes and rolled languidly off them and onto the ground far below. If it was any other day in this situation, he would have probably been lulled to sleep by the steady sound, but lately he couldn't stop his thoughts from closing in on themselves, running all over the place and delving into the deepest parts of his mind to bring out the darkest of his worries and most excruciating pains that he was usually able to keep out. The thoughts are nagging, shards of glass stuck in his mind, irritable and impossible to remove, no matter how many times he tried to convince himself against what they always screamed out at him.

_You're just an object. An object that Tsukishima can use and discard as he pleases, an object that he couldn't care less about, a blank slate, an empty canvas that he can paint the person of his dreams upon and ignore the person trapped inside who loves him more than anything in the world. He could never love you back, and it won't ever matter how much you do for him, the amount of times that you let him use you as an item to release his frustration into won't change a single thing. Why won't you leave him, why wont you end it altogether? He could easily leave you, so why can't you do the same back?_

That's exactly the issue though, the fact that he can't bear the thought of letting Tsukishima go, can't fathom the idea of never being able to see him again. Maybe it didn't even really matter all that much how cold and apathetic his gaze was towards him any time other than when they fucked, maybe he could get used to being the person Tsukki used and threw away whenever he felt like he wasn't needed any more or when his frustrations had been sated. At least he was letting him get this close at all, he tells himself that he should feel grateful at the fact that he even decided to be intimate with him in that sort of way in the first place, even if he never got to hold the taller boy in his arms after he had reached his climax, even if there was no emotion behind it other than lust, at least it was even happening at all.

A vibrating alert tone jolts him out of his self deprecating stupor and he sits up quickly, sliding his thumb across the the screen of his phone, the dull glow of it bathing his face as he reads the text message he has just been sent from the person his thoughts are crowded with himself.

"Come Over?"

If he had any sense of morality, he would have simply ignored the message, he would have locked his phone and placed it back on his bedside table and would have been asleep in minutes if he really tried, but that was one thing he knew he didn't have the strength to do. Without leaving himself any time to be plagued by the unnecessary thoughts that have troubled him for weeks now, he tiptoed his way through the hallway and down the stairs, careful not to alert his parent's who had long since fallen asleep, he didn't need them to be questioning him right now, and he would be home before the sun rose anyway, so there was really no need for them to worry at all. He slides his arms into the sleeves of his coat and tugged the hood over his hair since the rain hadn't ceased in the slightest. Taking a last look at himself in the mirror beside the door, he frowns slightly at the spatter of freckles and fading acne scars across his nose and cheeks, the way his hair was limp and flat against his forehead. He really was lucky that Tsukki wanted to be associated with him at all, he was unattractive, undeserving. Of course the feelings were one sided.

The cold night consumes him and he pulls the lapels of his coat tighter around his scrawny frame, breath coming out in visible ghostly puffs in the air, and begins the journey towards Tsukishima's house, which thankfully was not too far away from his own. It didn't really matter about the distance though, he would have gone to any lengths to see him, he would have done whatever it took to be with Tsukki, even if he wouldn't do the same. He would definitely be drenched by the time he reached his house anyways, the rain was persistent, it slammed against the hood of his coat with a tremendous force and began to leak through slightly, wetting his already tragically messy hair, and he let out a deep sigh, increasing his pace.

It has to be about midnight when he reaches the door of his house, the street illuminated slightly by the few lamp posts scattered around the neighborhood and the night sky clear and starless since the rain has subdued. There is a moment of brief hesitation before he can bring himself to open the door, he knows that Tsukishima leaves it unlocked when they meet up, his parents and brother are blissfully unaware of their night time visits, and he guesses Tsukki plans to keep it that way, which is definitely for the best. This always happens though, he can't do it straight away, he has to wait, building up as much courage as he can at this moment in time. Attempting to shake the fear that threatens to burst at any second, he opens the door as carefully as he can with his unstable and shaking hands, and steps into the hallway of the house, his lips pressed tightly together to stop any ragged and nervous breaths escaping.

His footsteps are thankfully light and soundless as he makes the cautious ascent up the stairs. He knows that Tsukki will be waiting in his bedroom as he always is, and a shiver of excitement runs down his spine despite the fact that he knows it's not actually him that Tsukishima wants, it's never going to be him that he'll really yearn for, but he supposes that doesn't exactly matter right now, he's already in too deep to let it begin affect him too much.

As suspected, Tsukishima's bedroom door has been left slightly open, a crack of light visible from the hallway in which he stood, and the faint muffled hum of music is barely audible too, presumably from the headphones he constantly has wrapped around his neck. Once again he finds himself hesitating for a moment, unsure of whether or not to actually go ahead and enter. When he had received the text, he hadn't even considered replying, he simply got up and left without giving it a second thought. Maybe Tsukki didn't know that he would be coming over so soon, maybe he didn't think that he was coming over at all, he should probably leave before he finds out that he's even here at all. 

He was about to leave, he really was, he had turned on his heel and was about to walk right out of the house as fast as he had came, but he had barely made it down the first step when he was stopped in his tracks.

"Yamaguchi?"

Tsukki's bedroom door had been pushed open fully now, and he stood underneath its frame, squinting into the gloom of the hallway in which Yamaguchi stood, frozen stock still at the top of the stairs. A moment of silence passed in which Yamaguchi struggled to find his composure, and he managed to choke out the words that seemed to be stuck in his now parched dry throat.

"Oh um i-i was just leaving, sorry tsukki."

He watches as Tsukishima's face scrunches up in confusion, eyebrows knitted together in a way that Yamaguchi somehow finds so endearing his chest swells with emotions that he can hardly contain. It's no surprise that Tsukki probably thinks he's pathetic, walking all the way to his house and then leaving before he can work up the nerve to even satisfy his best friend's needs. With the thought fresh in his mind, and no reply from Tsukki, he turns his face away from the boy he can't help but love with everything he has and is about to hurry back out into the night before he inevitably gets hurt again, when he hears him again.

"Don't go. Please."

 It's a whispered response, they're only simple words that shouldn't even really make him feel what he does, but that doesn't stop his cheeks from flushing a bright crimson, it doesn't stop the sudden swarm of butterflies that flutter with immense force in the pits of his stomach. 

_You know he's just saying that, they're just empty words to manipulate you into staying, to manipulate you into doing everything that he wants. He only needs you for now, once it's over he won't even give you a second glance. You'll be nothing to him again. Like you always have been._

Yamaguchi knows that it's all painfully true, that his subconscious voice is right, and yet he couldn't care less. 

Their lips meet and it's tortuously slow and almost passionate, but he knows better than that, it's always like this in the beginning, Tsukki carelessly encouraging the build up of pathetic false hope he feels and he hates to admit it but it works every time and he's drowning in a sea of soft caresses and whispered empty promises. Hasty, almost sloppy open mouthed kisses are placed underneath his ear, the skin sucked between teeth and released, leaving bruises that bloom lavender and mauve hues which will really be a pain to cover up later on. This is all making him weak at the knees, he doesn't want to let himself cave into the hopeless desire that threatens to burst free and show up on his attempted stoic features. 

It's no surprise to him or to Tsukki that he doesn't last for more than a mere minute. How is he supposed to control himself when Tsukki's hands are finding their way underneath his still damp t-shirt, brushing lightly and repetitively over the stiff rosy pink buds, lips still working away at a patch of skin at the pulse point of his neck. The choked groan he had been trying to hold back escapes his lips and he feels Tsukki smirk against him, biting down gently, tongue darting out to sooth the raw skin and he's transfixed momentarily.

"Fuck it. I don't care anymore" he manages to gasp out, arms winding themselves around the taller boys neck, lips colliding once more and suddenly he's being lifted up off the ground, legs tight around Tsukki's slender waist as he carries him into his bedroom. The door is shut behind them and it feels as though the atmosphere has changed within seconds, there is a pleasant low burning pooling in the pit of his stomach when he watches intently as Tsukishima reaches for the hem of his shirt, pulling it off over his head, glasses following soon after.

His skin is reminiscent of porcelain, he thinks to himself, the way it shines in a subtle way against the peach and lavender tones of the sunrise outside that streams in through the blinds, he's all faint lines of developing abs and barely visible blonde hair beginning below his navel. He's perfect, and Yamaguchi is struck by the overwhelming realization of how unworthy he is compared to the boy hovering above him, but it's only a fleeting thought that he manages to crush when he feels his own shirt being removed and cast aside onto the floor. Soon enough, they're both a mess of entangled limbs, left only in their underwear, mouths unhesitating against one another, his tongue is warm and comforting against his own, intermixed with the vibrations of the groans they exchange. Tsukki doesn't seem to be wanting to waste anymore time with pointless teasing, it's not like Yamaguchi really even needs it anyway, he is painfully hard and is straining against the thin cotton material of his boxers, and he can feel Tsukishimas own length against his and knows he is too.

There are never any words exchanged when Tsukki gets like this, and he wonders if it's for the best that they fill the void of awkwardness and unsaid words with meaningless sex that was never followed up with anything but a hostile goodbye and an avoidant gaze from who he thought was his best friend for all these years. These are things that will flood his mind, leaking out in the form of bitter tears from exhausted eyes, but for now he's very much lost in the moment. Tsukki is pressed up against him, their members sliding up against each other, slick with precum which seeped from his now crimson tip. It's rare to hear Tsukishima let out even the smallest indication of pleasure, aside from the rapid breaths against his collarbone, Yamaguchi could never tell if this was something he truly enjoyed when his features remained as impassive as always. 

With the thought fresh in his mind, he gathers up all of the confidence he can muster, his hand trailing its way down to Tsukki's member, fingertips hardly ghosting around the base. The taller boy buries his face into the crook of Yamaguchi's neck, struggling to stifle any sort of noise that might break free, his teeth tugging at his lower lip harshly, eyes scrunched up shut as Yamaguchi continues. He wonders if he's doing it right, his fingers encircle the base and he drags them upwards in a way that he would have said was uncalculated and clumsy, but the low whine Tsukki lets slip definitely says otherwise. A new found confidence overcomes him for a moment, reveling at the fact that his friend was unraveling below his own mere touch. He shifts the pace to a more rapid sort, fingertips dancing around the tip where precum has begun to pool and spill over onto the milky skin of his stomach, squeezing at random points and releasing,the broken whimpers from the taller boy's swollen lips only serving as the best kind of encouragement.

"Th-This isn't fair, I'm supposed to be in c-control"

Startled, he jolts a little at his words, his hand pausing at the base of his member and becoming slack for a moment as he considers and gives his whispered reply after tightening his grip once more;

"Not anymore, Tsukki."

He was always in control though, wasn't he? It was always him that could reduce Yamaguchi to a quivering and ever compliant mess beneath his skillful hands and lips, begging shamelessly for more of his touch, a pitiful wreck. Why couldn't it be the other way around, why was it always him having his emotions played around with so carelessly? There was no rule saying that he couldn't do it back. Just once, he wanted Tsukishima to know of the countless times he had hurt him, to make him feel the same way for once, he'd make him realize who things were unfair for. It was going to be fun, that was, if he was brave enough to go through with it.

Dazed golden eyes are fixated upon his face and he snaps out of his contemplative stupor with a start, mind hazy with an impulsive anger that overcomes him and no doubt showed up on his face in the form of a scarlet flush.  His hand is still firm against Tsukishima's length, which is beginning to soften, which simply won't do, he needs to change things up, he wants to destroy him, make him writhe with pleasure and become completely submissive to him for once. With a slight adjustment, he finds his freckled thighs either side of the taller boy's own calves,  and it strikes him that even through the blur of longing, he can't help but feel a nagging sense of nervousness eating away at his conscience.  Hoping that the feeling will eventually fade, he musters up the courage he desperately needs for what he is about to do, and lowers his head painstakingly slowly. Beneath his quivering lips, Tsukishima is silent, gazing intently at each small movement Yamaguchi makes, mouth curled up slightly in what seemed to be a smug smirk. He was going to make that disappear for sure.

As fresh wave of self confidence washes over him, his lips finally move downwards and enclose themselves over the oozing tip of Tsukishima's member, eliciting a strangled gasp from the boy beneath him. He gives a few tentative licks to the swollen top and kisses it almost lovingly before taking the entire length into his mouth with no warning whatsoever. It hits the back of his throat and he struggles not to choke and ruin the mood, but it's worth it for the look on Tsukki's face, his pupils are dilated and glazed over, full blown pools of navy blue which contrast prettily with the shell pink blush on his cheeks and his lips of the same hue which were parted slightly. It fuels him with an impatient longing for the boy beneath him, and he attempts to stifle the range of emotions stirred within him by busying himself with moving his mouth up and down on Tsukishima's length, tongue swirling once it reached the tip, gathering precum in the spaces where it had begun to leak. All the while, he keeps his gaze firmly trained on the boy writhing beneath him, who was growing breathless each time Yamaguchi bobbed his head, the way his mouth worked deriving broken sobs of desperation which he would no doubt kill him inside with embarrassment later on when he recalled them. 

Tsukishima is close, and he notices right away. They've had sex far too many times for Yamaguchi not to be fully accustomed to how his body reacted to when he was about to cum, the way the muscles in his thighs clench against his own and the way his breathing grows ragged are both telltale signs he is all too familiar with, and that's how he knows it's time. Giving a final, long lick down the side of his member, he removes his mouth with a lewd popping sound and brings up a hand to wipe the drool off of the side of his lips, swinging his legs off of the side of the bed and onto the floor. Before Tsukki can even register what's going on, he pulls on his t-shirt and mercifully simple pants which had been discarded on the floor, slips into his shoes and is almost out of the bedroom door when he hears him.

"Are you _serious_ yamaguchi? _Seriously_?"

His voice is hoarse and Yamaguchi revels in the way he sounds so pleading when he says his name. He says it like it's the most incredulous thing in the world, for Yamaguchi to be leave him hanging, leave him looking like a plaintive wreck, like it could only be fair when he did it, not the other way around, never the other way around. Well now he had done it, and maybe there would be a terrible consequence but he couldn't bring himself to care at the moment because he had done it, he had shown Tsukki how it felt. The irony is gratifying almost, and he feels a smug smirk coming on as he delivers the final blow. 

"Not so great when you're on the receiving end, is it? Doesn't feel all that great when you're left hanging, huh?"

Tsukishima's brow furrows and he really does look bewildered, he'll give him that at least, with his cheeks which are still scarlet with what must be either anger or shame. 

"What are you talking about Yamaguchi? What is this all about?"

He wasn't expecting to be holding a conversation about all of this, he had ideally meant to leave him there in a daze of confusion, maybe he would have even called out for Yamaguchi to come back, maybe he would even tell him he loved him if he was that desperate and end all of this madness once and for all. That was the whole point of course, to make Tsukishima look like the pathetic one for once. Since he was so curious though, and apparently blind towards everything he had put him through, he decided to enlighten him, unable to control the malevolent tone his voice takes on with the words.

"You know how long i've liked you for, Tsukki. You've always known, dont try and pretend,i know you have because i made it so obvious before, with some pathetic hope that you might feel the same way back. I really thought you did at first, i thought maybe things would change and you'd start to like me back, but the only times you've ever shown anything towards me is when we fuck, and what use is that? I was so stupid for thinking you cared about anyone other than yourself. All you've ever done is use me since i was down to do anything for you if it made me think it might make you love me back, but i know you never will. It's pointless to try to have false hope and i'm tired of it, i know that any moment you spend with me other than when we have sex is meaningless and nothing else matters to you. All you did was make me look pathetic, so i thought i'd do it back for once, see how you'd like it"

Well, he hadn't meant to blurt all of that out, not at all, and now that he had let it all out into the open, his confident facade had long since wore off and he stood rigid at the door, waiting for a response from the boy in front of him who stared back at him with a gaze which was unreadable. He had put his glasses back on, and he was probably completely over what had just happened less than five minutes ago, which made Yamaguchi wonder if his efforts had been wasted after all. Tsukishima's mouth is set in a thin line, his features are composed and had returned to the apathetic mask that crushed all hopes he had ever had of ever loving Tsukki in a way that wasn't unrequited into tiny pieces.

"If that's how you feel Yamaguchi, then fine, fair enough. We don't have to do this anymore."

It wasn't as though he was even expecting anything from him, and yet he was still disconcerted by the reply. It feels as though he's being torn apart inside, like someone is forcing glass shards into his skin as it shudders with sadness that overcomes him in crushing waves. What he had been thinking, spurting out all of that stuff in front of him when he knew full well that his response was going to be something he didn't want to hear? He's really fucked things up now, more than he ever thought he possibly could, and yet he can't help the anger that bubbles up inside of him.

"Fuck you, Tsukki"

Tears prick at his eyes as he says it, so it really isn't as effective as he had planned, but it's alright, because he turns and leaves, closing the bedroom door behind him before he can see. He manages to hold them in until he shuts the front door of Tsukishima's house, but when the crisp air hits his face he can't control the burning tears which roll uncontrollably down onto his freckled cheeks. All he wants is to go home, all he wants is to stop loving Tsukishima, who could never love him back, who couldn't care less about him. Before he knows it, his feet are pounding the sidewalk as he makes the journey home, sniffling in a way which must sound pitiful, and he is thankful that the sun has only just risen and there aren't any people outside at this time of day. The shades of lavender and rose that highlight the sky as the sun makes its ascension soothe him only slightly, and soon enough he is back home earlier than he has ever been when he has gone to Tsukki's in the past. 

His parent's are still soundly asleep, of course, but he knows that he won't ever be able to fall into any sort of slumber after tonight and that there was no point in even attempting it, but he still finds immense comfort in the warmth of his bed. With his face buried in the sheets, tears dampening the area in which he lay, he wonders why he even bothers, why he even tries anymore, when things only seemed to go badly for him.

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive me padre for i have sinned  
> I LOVE YAMAGUCHI REALLY I PROMISE


End file.
